Nothing. Not a thing happened. I looked at the barrel of the gun, checked the safety. Placed it at my head and fired again.
I tossed the stupid gun across the garage and slammed the metal drawer of the cabinet. What a fucking joke. I couldn’t kill myself properly. I screamed out my frustration and headed back inside the house. If I can’t shoot myself, I’ll cut myself. How painful could it be?
I grabbed the knife out of the block and looked at my wrist. I took a deep long breath and aimed the blade where I figured an artery would be. That’s when I felt my wrist being gripped. “Drop it.” Grandpa’s voice was deadly. He tightened his grip, “ Drop it, Jamie.” I looked up at him in defiance. I needed this, why couldn’t he see that? “Now, Jamie. Drop it now, or I swear to god I’ll break your wrist.”
I dropped the knife.
He pointed to the table, “Now, go over to the table and stay there.”
I shot him a glare.
“Now, Jamie.” I’d never seen him so angry as he pointed to the dinning room table. I did what he asked only hoping that we could get through whatever he wanted to say so I can go and figure another way to kill myself.
Grandpa was silent as he put the knife back. He poured a glass of water and placed it in front of me. “Drink.”
“I’m not thirsty,” my voice was hoarse.
“I don’t care. Drink it.” I did. He sat down next to me and stared at me. That one eye pierced into my soul. He held his gun up – the one I tried to kill myself with – and loaded it with a new clip. He even pulled back the top and armed it with a bullet in the chamber. “Next time, make sure it’s loaded.”
How could I have been so stupid? Of course he wouldn’t keep a loaded gun where anyone could get to it.
“The only time this is loaded,” grandpa added in the most deadliest of tones, “Is when its in my hand or in my holster. When it’s in my office it’s usually locked up and the bullets in a locked box upstairs. I forgot to lock up my cabinet yesterday – and I know I’ll never forget after tonight – but I did remember to put the bullets away. Fifty years of habit, I make damn sure my gun isn’t loaded if I’m not carrying it.
“Now, I am going to go upstairs and wake your parents and grandmother up, and we are all going to have a talk.” He stood up and shook his head, “Next time you even think about doing this make sure I am long gone and buried, because Jamie, I have never been so fucking scared seeing you with that knife. Why didn’t you talk to me last night? I asked you, hell I begged you to open up. Shit, Jamie. My heart is pounding I’m so scared. You sit right here, and don’t you even dare think about leaving this table.” He put his gun into his robe’s pocket.
I gulped and looked up at him. A tear dropped from his cheek and he walked away. I waited for what seemed like eternity. I knew if I still wanted to kill myself all I needed was to grab the knife again in the kitchen. However, fear of my grandfather kept me right there.
Mom, dad, grandma and grandpa returned. Grandpa poured another glass of water and handed it to dad with a pill. “Take this, you’re going to need it.”
Dad took whatever pill he was given and pounded the glass of water. I figured it must have been a pain killer of some sort, seeing dad cradling his head after. “Wha thish all bout?” he asked.
Grandpa walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder and I hid my face. I didn’t want anyone to know, but here grandpa is about to tell everyone! “Jamie, tell them.”
What? I shot my head up and looked at him through my tear stricken face. Why was I having to tell them?
“Jamie, tell them before I do.”
“Jamie,” mom’s sweet voice asked. “Jamie, what’s going on?”
I kept silent and hid my face again. I couldn’t admit it, or face my family. I just wanted grandpa’s gun again. Grandpa spoke when he realized I wasn’t going to tell them. “Jamie just tried to kill himself.” I started to cry and everyone around gasped.
The news sobered dad up fast, “What?”
I sat there and cried as they allowed the news to soak in. Finally I felt someone put there hand in my hair. It was mom. “Jamie, talk to us.”
I want to die,” I whispered. “I want to dance, and the only way I can is if I die and dance in Heaven.”
Mom let out a sob, “Oh baby.”
I lifted my head and looked at everyone and said, “Just let me die.”
“No,” grandma said on the other side of me. “I didn’t let Parker kill himself, and I’m not going to let you.”
Dad spoke up, “Jamie, you can’t do this. I understand the pain. Believe me, I understand. Your grandpa and I both know what it’s like to want everything to end, but Jamie, it’s not worth it.”
“He’s right,” grandpa added with a squeeze to my shoulder. He knelt down to my level, “Jamie, you need help. I’m going to call my therapist and have her get you a room in a facility down in Starlight Shores. Please, get some help. If you can’t see that life is worth living after a few months of real therapy then maybe I’ll give you my gun.”
Grandpa looked around the table, with a silent nod from everyone he looked back into my eyes, “Yes. If you can’t find a way to deal with this, I’ll personally give you my gun. But you have to give us a shot in helping you, Jamie. I swear to you, life gets better. ”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to believe him, but the looks on my parents and grandparents face urging me to seek help made me want to believe. I nodded, “Okay, I’ll get some help.”
“Great,” grandpa smiled. “I’ll call Dr. Fowler right now. You and your dad go upstairs and pack a small bag. We’ll leave as soon as we can, okay?”
After changing into some clothes, dad started to pack for me. Dad didn’t say a word to me the entire time he packed. A knot formed in the middle of my stomach. He kept tossing stuff from my dresser down to my bag on the floor. I knew he was pissed. “Dad,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” his voice was rough and I heard him choke up. He wiped his eyes and continued packing my bag. He was crying.
Dad finally turned to me, “Don’t have to apologize, Jamie. We should have seen this coming. You’ve been distancing yourself and locking yourself up from all of us. You’re not the only Rain who’s ever tried to commit suicide, Jamie. Your grandfather and I both have been there. Him more than me.”
“You tried to kill yourself?”
Dad shrugged, “I planned to, not sure if I had the balls to. Your mom though she stopped the elevator before I even got the chance.”
Grandpa walked in, “Yeah, I’ve tried to kill myself. When I got home after Russia and found out my parents were killed and my family gone, I took my gun and held it under my chin. Didn’t pull the trigger though.”
“I was home, the same house Hana and I bought when we were married. I looked up at my old desk and saw our wedding picture. It was the first time I noticed that all the pictures were still in the house. The memories. It hit me, Hana was still alive, and Kaliq. I decided right then that I’d push my guilt away, and focus on finishing the job and searching for my wife.”
“I read about how you were admitted into a hospital after trying to kill yourself,” dad said.
Grandpa shook his head, “Don’t believe everything you read about me, son. I was shot by some punk ass kid in Cairo. However, my boss said I was too stupid to go into this one hot zone and called me suicidal in front of the docs and so they treated me like I was. Anyways, you two bout ready? Dr. Fowler has an opening and says we can drive tonight.”
“Just about,” dad said as he zipped my bag up. “Okay ready. How bout you, Jamie?”
“As ready as I can be.”
Two hours of driving later, grandpa pulled up to this building with a sign that read, Seaside Retreat: Treatment Center for Mental Health. Grandpa stopped the car and got out, meeting an older woman with greying hair. Dad got out and helped me into my chair before pushing me towards grandpa. “Dr. Fowler, Janet this is my son, Kaliq and grandson Jamie.”
Dr. Fowler shook dad’s hand and then mine, “So nice to meet you both. Parker’s told me a lot about the two of you. Just wish I could have met you all in better circumstances.” I felt my face flush. She looked down to me, “How you doing, Jamie?”
“Well, why don’t we get you inside, signed in. Get you in a room and tomorrow you and I can talk. Would that be okay?” I shrugged again.
Dad pushed me through the doors and the orderly at the front desk handed me a clipboard with papers to fill out. I did, and with the help of dad got checked in. I was checking in voluntarily, but I had to give them legally seventy-two hours there. I was told I can check out anytime after that.
Dad hugged me first, “You just stay here as long as it takes, okay. Call me anytime you want too.” I nodded in his shoulder, with tears rimming my eyes. “I love you, Jamie. Never forget that.”
Grandpa hugged me too. “Janet’s a good doctor. Talk to her, okay. She’ll listen. Do that for me?”
“Okay,” I whispered. I would try, if they wanted me too. I said I’d try and after I could have grandpa’s gun if I still wanted to die. “I’ll try, grandpa.”
“Please do, kiddo. You take care, and don’t worry about anything but yourself, okay?”
They left and dad sent one last wave to me.
In the morning, I was woken early and taken down to Dr. Fowler’s office in my new (and ugly) scrubs. I wasn’t to be left alone for the first seventy-two from what I gathered. In the office, Dr. Fowler sat down on a chair and directed me to sit across from her. “You can either move to the sofa, or stay in your wheelchair. Doesn’t matter to me,” she said with a kind smile. I stayed in my chair. “So, can you tell me what’s been going through your head lately?”
I just shrugged but answered in a small whisper, “I just want it to end.”
“What to end?”
“This misery called life.”
“How long have you been thinking these dark thoughts?”
“A few months. I wanted to wait till after my sister got married. She was married yesterday. I just didn’t think it would be nice if I ruined her wedding by killing myself before hand. At least she wouldn’t know it until after her honeymoon in the tropics.”
“Was last night the first time you tried killing yourself?” I nodded, this time crying. I wanted to die still. Doesn’t she know how much I hate this line of questioning? Doesn’t she know she can’t help me? No one can! “Hey, why are you crying.”
“Because I’m still alive, and trapped in this useless body.” I looked at my legs and just shook my head in disgust. “At least if I was dead, I wouldn’t feel this void.”
“Have you talked to anyone since the accident? Therapist, friend, parent, family member?”
“Grandpa is always trying to talk to me. He thinks he knows what I’m going through.”
“And you don’t think he does?” I shrugged in reply. “You’re grandpa has gone through a lot in his life.”
I nodded, “It’s still not the same.”
She tried to get me to open up more that morning, but I just couldn’t tell her anything. She didn’t push the issue about grandpa at least.
Three days passed, and it was boring. I talked to Dr. Fowler everyday, who wanted me to call her Janet. If I wasn’t talking to her, I was in bed thinking. I was so bored. My nurses, or orderlies didn’t leave me alone at all. The checked in on my constantly, or stood at the door in my room. The only good thing was that due to my disability I didn’t have to share a room. I only left the room to see Fowler. I closed myself up from everyone, and though Fowler tried to get me to participate in group sessions or just get out and socialize, I didn’t.
In Fowlers office we discussed more about the darkness I felt in my heart. How dead inside I was. She tried bringing up the accident and I shut down, not ready to discuss it. She tried bringing up dancing, and I lashed out in anger. She thought that was progress and continued to ask questions. Bitch. I didn’t want to discuss dancing. Ever.
It took a little over a week before I agreed to socialize outside of Fowlers office. That afternoon just after lunch, I was asked by this orderly, Ray, if I’d like to visit the break room and meet some people. I figured there was nothing else to do, and I was bored out of my mind. He strolled me down to the room, and I saw . . . interesting people. There was one guy rocking back and forth. Another laughing and talking to the air. Ray made a beeline to a table with two others talking and playing dominos.
“Hey, Pons! I got a new friend for you.”
“New friend?” She asked in a weird squeaky voice.
Gabe didn’t look at me, he just stared quietly at his tiles. I said hi to Pons, extending my hand. She looked at my hand like it grew a head, “That’s no way to greet a unicorn!”
Oookay…. “Um, how do you greet a unicorn?”
Ray left, leaving me here, waiting for Pons to answer with some kind of crazy response. Of course he would leave the depressing suicide helpless git with the craziest one in this room! “Well first you have to give a big nice neigh and clash your hooves together. And then you wait for the other unicorn to do the same.”
“And what if I’m not a unicorn?” I said, weary that I was playing into this nonsense. “I don’t have hooves, as you can see.” I looked down at my useless limbs.
“I know what a fellow unicorn looks like, and you, my friend are a unicorn!”
“Okay, but if I am, then where’s that thing that grows out of a unicorn’s forehead?” I almost snickered at the innuendo. I heard Gabe snort, at least his mind was thinking what I was thinking. Glad I knew my sense of humor was somewhere around.
She sighed and just rolled her eyes, “Young unicorn you have much to learn.”
“Unicorns have to earn their horns. And if you can’t tell,” she bent forward to show off her forehead, “I have a nice one.”
I decided to play along and look at her forehead, intently. “Well, don’t poke my eye out with that thing. Don’t want to end up like my grandfather, and wear a patch.” This time I did smile and laugh a little. This was good, I thought. At least I don’t have to think about anything, but unicorns. It was almost as good as the times I use to hang out with Sara – before the accident, when we use to shoot the shit, and joke around.
“Not to worry, my unicorn elder has taught me well.”
“Unicorn elder? What’s that?”
“It is the unicorn that teaches you how to be a unicorn!” She sighed dramatically. “And I don’t get good service here at this hotel. I ordered an apple pie, what do I get? A biscuit.”
Is she for real? Gabe looked at me and shook his head, like don’t go there. I nodded, understanding. “Tell me about it. I had to sleep in a room for a week with padded walls!”
“You know, when I get home, I am giving this place a bad review!” She slammed her fist onto her leg. “What about you Gabe?”
“I, uh, I don’t know. They make my nightmares go away.”
“What sort of nightmares?” I asked.
“Uh . . .” he looked at Pons, and shook his head. Apparently he didn’t want to talk about it.
“By golly!” She stood quickly and snapped her fingers, “This is the only thing I can do!” She sat down and I wondered what the hell she was on. Seriously, I want some. She leaned close to me, a little too close. “Did you know I’m not allowed to paint my room? It’s all white and I figured it could benefit from a rainbow.”
I laughed at that, “Rainbows are cool. So, if your room is such a bore, and the service here sucks, why’d you come here in the first place?”
“My sister said I needed a vacation and said this was a five star hotel and restaurant. And that she already paid for a long stay. And frankly, I’ve spent all my money on a ball pit.”
Figures someone dragged her here. I looked at Gabe who was smiling at her. Yup, he was thinking the same thing. She was completely mental. “And you Gabe?”
“I’m dangerous,” he whispered. “The cops think I’m going to kill my kid. Frank’s going to kill him, not me!” He went into sobs and started to shake. I felt really bad. So, he really has issues. I didn’t want to ask who Frank was, thinking that he’d just go mental too.
“So did someone pawn you into this hotel or did you hear my unicorn call?”
My smile faltered a bit. I don’t know why, but I felt like I needed to be honest. They were honest with me, I owe them that much. “Honestly. My grandpa rescued me from myself. I tried killing myself a week ago. He told me I needed to come here and stay a while. Have a vacation of sorts, and deal with the hand that I’ve been dealt.”
“Your grandfather must be very wise. Sending a wounded unicorn to the guidance of another unicorn.”
I swallowed a hard lump and let a tear go down. She was looking at me hard, and I tried to smile. “Sorry, just emotional. I’m thinking you are right.”
“There is a phrase we unicorns live by, Hakuna Matata.”
“Hakuna Matata? What’s that?”
A little over a month passed by me, and I took to Pons like bread and butter. She was the most insane person I’ve met here, and I’m in a mental institution. She made group therapy probably more entertaining than it should be. She discussed how everyone could obtain peace and equilibrium in their lives if they just followed the ways of the moon.
“The moon?” Asked the therapist, who’s name I could never remember. She wasn’t my therapist, just the groups’ and I didn’t really care much about her.
“Unicorns receive their preternatural gifts from the moon. Obviously, everyone knows that!”
“Obviously,” I snorted. I love her. She made me laugh all the time. “What are the ways of the moon?” I asked, cause I just loved to see the therapist gawk at me whenever I play into Pons deluded notions that the two of us are unicorns.
“I really am working with a newbie here, aren’t I?”
“Does it look like I have my horn?” I asked, with Gabe across from me stifling a snort. I winked at him. I think anything dealing with a tiny sexual innuendo gets him to smile or laugh. Other than that he just stays neutral and quiet. I think he knew I was gay too, and if I hadn’t seen him with a ring on his finger, and the blonde gorgeous woman visiting him on a visitor’s day, I would have totally hit on him.
Pons lowered her voice and patted my leg, which I just rolled my eyes at. She really didn’t understand I couldn’t feel that. “In time young unicorn. In time.”
I squeezed her hand, and winked at her. That’s when the guy across from me stood up, tore off his pants and screamed, “PUDDING!” My mouth dropped, utterly dropped at the sight of him. He was stiff, and by god I think I started to drool. The therapist didn’t know what to do. The orderlies quickly got him out of there, which was a sad thing, cause dayum!
“PUDDING!” Pons cheered and stood up, thank the heavens she had the decency to not take off her pants. She stood there and waited, confused. “Aren’t you going to bring me to the pudding too?”
The therapist was still in complete shock. I tugged Pons back down to her chair, “I think that is a no. Maybe we can sneak into the kitchen later and find some?” I suggested. Pons had a way with getting in and out of her room without being detected, and often sprung me from my room in the middle of the night.
“Why stop at just pudding? I say we clean the whole place out!” That was my Pons, thinking perfectly sane. I couldn’t wait to have some pudding, just wishing I knew where and who that guy was that walked away with the kind of pudding I would love to have.
That night I felt the nudge of my shoulder and turned from bed to see Pons standing there with that infectious smile she always carried. It was a wonder why she was even here in this place. She may have one too many screws loose, but she was Pons, and I doubted she needed any help. It seemed she was perfectly content with who she was, and if she wanted to believe she was a unicorn, then dammit she was.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I had a dream. The great unicorn elder came to me . . .” She straddled me and I looked to see she was on my legs. I wondered if she’d ever figured out I can’t feel them. “He told me it was time.” She leaned over and kissed me as she tossed off her pants and lowered mine down my thighs.
My eyes widen. Time? I croaked out the question as she let my lips go. “What do you mean, time? Time for what?”
“The unicorn mating ritual . . .”
I think I blinked. I mean I had to of. Did she just say what I think she said? “The what now?” I barely got out, it sounded like I was choking. Shock, that’s what I was in. She wanted me? I mean I did like her, and yeah, I had a connection with her – but still . . .
She started to remove my scrub pants off my legs, and whispering, “The unicorn mating ritual. It is time.”
I wanted to stop her. I mean I was gay, and lets face it, not really into this sort of thing. Yet again there was something about Pons that took my breath away. She leaned over and kissed me again. I brushed her hair back and looked into her eyes. It was like she was reading me, and I kissed her back.
So, I’m gay, doesn’t mean I can’t sleep with girls. I prefer if I don’t, but Pons, she was already sitting on me and riding me. What surprised me though, was the fact that I could feel that! The doctors said they doubt I would ever have a sustaining erection, much less be able to perform. This – this got my attention and I loved it. I kissed Pons harder, and gave this moment, the moment that I knew would be a once in a lifetime event. I would never love a girl like this, so I gave her my love. I gave her everything she wanted from me.
After, Pons cuddled with me and fell asleep, neighing as she closed her eyes. I kissed the top of her head and held her. I couldn’t believe I just did that with her. I laid there silently and petted her “mane” as she would call it. She moved around getting comfortable in her sleep, and I watched as her legs pushed mine so she could be comfortable.
In the morning I woke and she was gone. I wasn’t heartbroken about that. I figured she leave before the hospital went crazy looking for an escaped patient. I got dressed and went out to find her sitting with Gabe. I smiled and rolled my chair next to them. She smiled and seemed like last night never happened. She was her typical Pons self and I was glad, because I really hate to have an awkward moment with Pons. So we went on, just like we always did, as friends and really that’s all that I wanted from her.
Author’s Note: HUGE THANK YOU TO MY GIRL PONS! Seriously, she wrote all of Pons, I just sat back and laughed my head off. Also thanks to Amber for her help, and introducing me to her crazy sister. Really this was fun!!!
Also, yes I quoted Dean Winchester from Supernatural.